can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i drank out of a bidet.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
