It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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