I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
