I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
