dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
