Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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