your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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