Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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