I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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