I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
