Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize