she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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