Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
