He disabled his match.com account in front of me
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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