she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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