On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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