my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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