you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
