I'm so fucking centered right now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
