I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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