I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
