I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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