for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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