Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize