Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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