Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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