Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
