Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
