Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
