Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Of course I have a pirate flag
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
