I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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