I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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