Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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