don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
