What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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