Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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