i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
