the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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