I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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