So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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