watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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