Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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