OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
