I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
