mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
