got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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