True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
