Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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