I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize