I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
