I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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