he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
