you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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