I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
