im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
