It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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