I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am midnight drunk by noon
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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